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Topics - Adi

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« on: May 18, 2011, 07:55:22 am »
:heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: Happy Birthday Flashy!!!!!! :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart:
 :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: Hope you have a Wonderificfantasticawesome Day!!!!!!! :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party:
 :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: Wish we could all be spending it together with you >3 :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:
 :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:

General Chat / Why Random and I haven't been around much lately =-(
« on: May 13, 2011, 01:49:23 pm »
So, I know at least i saw once, a query  in the shoutbox as to where we have disappeared to, or why we're too  good to talk to anyone anymore. If anyone is actually missing either of  us, I apologize.

I seem to have the worst luck on earth as it has  been made very obvious in the last year or so. Well, the last month or  so has just gotten a million times worse. Random has been working a lot,  waiting to transfer over to the permanent dept. of the company he works  for after his six month contract to hire ended. It was originally  three..they say it was six..whatever.. :fingertap:  either way it was up in March..these people are as slow as molasses.  Pretty sure they finally are submitting the paperwork this week..and  then more waiting. He has the job, it's now just a matter of what they  offer him as permanent pay as to whether he stays or stays and looks for  another job  :emo: in other words..just more stress.

We  kinda had a chat about the whole, him getting paid to sit and yap in  the shoutbox all day at work, instead of being productive and assertive.  As he is the amazing listener, and non confrontational person I know,  (especially in the matter of logic) he understood exactly what I was  saying and thus..disappeared from the shoutbox during the week, during  work hours.

I on the other hand, have just gotten a lot worse  health wise. I think with the few good weeks I had after I got started  on the fentanyl patch (for pain) I was fooled into thinking I could feel  like normal again, so I could act like normal again..meds can fool your  mind, but not your body. So I busted my ass, got a ton of stuff done,  and then my body just said screw you. I had tried to act like a normal  person, ate whatever, within reason, and did way too much physically,  and for the last month or so, I've been paying for it. While having the  patch does make a huge difference, it seems my body just keeps building  up more and more resistance. I had messed up with the patches the first  couple that i used, and ran out early..and you can't get more until  you're supposed to be out. So I know what it feels like to go without  it..and it was horrible. pretty much the kind of "i cant' take this" and  that's the end of it.

Then the bad part comes in..or parts I  guess. Because of a misunderstanding in the way things work, grade wise  and completion ratio school, after getting 2 A's and 1 B in my  classes last semester, I was disqualified for financial aid. All of that  is based on having gone to college seventeen years ago while being in a  position, that well, let's just say, I wasn't permitted to go to  school, no matter how hard I tried, or wanted to go. A very bad person  stood in my way..and for that, I have two full semesters of F's and  noncompletion of classes. That translates in my 3.5 GPA at this school,  after a year of busting my ass, down to a 2.3 something. All of my  teachers have been very understanding with my situation, as I took the  time to explain I was sick..on a lot of meds, and if I missed class, it  wasn't because I wanted to. I had one teacher that just acted like a  prick the whole semester, (beginning algebra) so I decided to just let  it go because it was a pre rec course. I KNEW it wouldn't effect my GPA.  Well, I guess even though it doesn't effect your GPA it DOES effect  your completion ratio. So I got the shaft. I knew I was gonna get it. I  worked so hard to get everything up from a mess almost 20 years ago..We  were pretty much depending on it. So now I have to file an appeal, pray  to God I choose the right words, and along with my medical info, hold my  breath and wait for my fate. We had to come up with tuition money out  of thin air over the weekend last week and on top of that I got served  my divorce papers which are about 4 inches thick and require me to  provide so much information I feel like I'd be better off throwing  myself off of a bridge.

I was desperate, I called my parents, the  ones that think I'm a terrible person..I guess now it's my Dad who  thinks I'm aweful, my step mum has been much nicer. Of course the day I  called to ask for help, my Mom was having a bad chemo day ( I found out a  couple of months ago that she has breast cancer and has been going  through chemo since the day after I called her) She hasn't been able to  work for the past three months, has had no income, is sicker than me  most days. The day i called..she was barely able to talk. My dad sent an  email later that night letting me know as usual they couldn't help me,  that they were broke, having to make huge medical payments, and near the  verge of bankruptcy. Of course along with that he managed to say a  bunch of rly bad stuff about if he knows a damn thing about me in  the first place, and it just ended in a lot of sobbing as usual. So I  guess, my extremely well off parents at least have a reason for not  helping me. I've stayed in touch with my Mon non the less, checking up  on her periodically, despite how bad they've been to me, obviously  because I am a horrible person.

In all of this I am simply  overwhelmed beyond belief, and laughing, seriously, on Mother's day, I  woke up to both my PC and my laptop being crashed. (the day before  school started as well). Random was able to recover my PC, but my laptop  is trashed. Even my ex tried to fix it for me, and the HD is apparently  just riddled with bad sector after bad sector. This was the icing on  the cake. one of my classes is online, the other is a hybrid. My laptop  made my life livable, especially for school. Sitting here at my desk, on  my PC now, for the past 15 minutes or so, I feel like I'm gonna die. It  is incredibly painful. I have yet to do a single assignment for either  of my classes, both which have to be done by the end of this week. I  don't know wtf I'm gonna do.

Random, in all of this, has been  amazing. Personally I don't think I'm worth the effort he puts into  keeping up with he seems to think otherwise. He waits on me  hand and foot when I can't do anything, and runs around after the kids  when we have them. I wouldn't have survived without him..period. I have  become so withdrawn and depressed from all of this, that I obviously  pretty much disappeared from here as well. I always felt like no matter  how bad it got, I'd always feel comfortable talking with all of you. But  I have nothing rly happy to discuss, so it just feels like it is better  that I keep my misery to myself. Everyone has problems, but you all  don't need to have to listen to mine every day on top of them. If I  could have it my way, I'd likely never leave my house again, or talk to  anyone. Except for my kids, Random and Flash. They wouldn't leave me  alone if I tried to get rid of them, so I know not to even try. And I  love them too much to live without them even the way things are. It is  terrible though, because I feel like poison to them. I try a lot to hide  how bad I rly feel, even from Random, and I try not to say too much  about it to Flash..yah, you can be mad at me now if you want but you  have a lot on your plate, nothing you can do will help my situation, so  why drown you with it? I don't even know if Random will see this, since  he barely has time to breathe between work and well, more work at home.

I  got a nook color for my birthday, which I love to death, but even when  I'm in bed, and i get on the site, it won't let me make posts. So I do  get on, and try to keep up with how everyone else is doing. I can't get  on my schools website either, it doesn't support it, so no help there  either. My daughters birthday is this weekend..I wish I could have done  so much more for her.(she comes first..she'll get a gift, I wanted her  to at least have a birthday party with some friends..just couldn't do it   :sadface:  ) We got slapped with "oh you owe this much today" at the pain clinic  yesterday. My doctor came in looked at me, I think he lifted my chin up  and said I was too depressed, (I kinda ran out of my depression meds  last week and didn't call the doctor, cause I didn't wanna get a lecture  for not having gotten my blood work done, as was requested by him over a  month ago, so I've been going through withdrawal from that on top of  everything I had to deal with that first before he  changed any of my meds. Since he was in such a hurry, (last appt of the  day) he was in and out so fast, I forgot to ask for the letter (medical  records, drug side effects, etc) I needed for my financial aid appeal,  the most important thing I could possibly need right now.Every time I  turn around it's something new.

So the moral of this crappy  story is, stay close to your family and friends as you grow older. Being  completely alone in the world when you rly need someone is the worst  feeling you can possibly imagine. You may, as I do, have a small number  of people in your life who love you, but without support and at least a  few people who understand what you're going through, and can give you  quality advice, it's just hard to get from one day to the next without  throwing in the towel.

All of you are rly wonderful people.  (mostly) I've appreciated all of your support even though I don't play  games anymore and haven't rly had any purpose for quite some time. I  don't know if things will get better for me..maybe. After so many years  of shit just always going wrong, I'm not holding my breath anymore. I  wish you all the best. Not gonna say I'm leaving..just in case anyone  was hoping for that..I still have a little fight left in me  :tongue:

Thanks for reading my sob story if you did..if not..oh well..I won't die from surprise at least  :emo:

so yah..haven't been doing a lot of cooking hoo I"m so I kept watching the Food network all weekend...and they kept making all these freakin well...I was so inclined to follow suit..

and No..these were not recipes..mine was made with organic chuck, and had the basics, sea salt, garlic powder, fresh ground pepper, crumbled feta, egg, splash of buttermilk, and in the middle, a layer of butter sauteed chopped portabellos, minced garlic, salt pepper and a splash of red wine vinegar. oh and diced Swiss cheese. All that smooshed inside a humongous patty and tossed on the grill. Randoms was the same but his and the kids were made with reg chuck and had chopped bacon in the meat as well. The kids had the shrooms in the middle with jalapeno muenster.

Needless to say, I got through half of mine, Random naturally finished his, the boys (aaron and his friend) ate 2/3 and holy puppypoo..Ray ate all of hers  :wow:

the little minions got the sliders..cause they're well..little  :tongue:

and sorry Flashy..I did pile lots of veggies on it before I ate it  :kiss:

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General Chat / Amazing $10 wrap saved a trip to the ER
« on: February 28, 2011, 03:21:50 pm »
So as if things couldn't get any more frustrating this weekend, after a rough day of near constant breathing treatments, we put my little 7 year old - to bed hoping she would just fall asleep and rest it off. At around 4 in the morning she burst into the room out of her mind crying and coughing so hard she was gagging. Her chest and stomach were hurting from coughing so much.We scrambled to get her back in her room, got her nebulizer going and sat with her till her treatment was done..gave her a little cough syrup with codeine hoping it would help her sleep so her throat could relax. But she wouldn't stop coughing. Gave her a little ginger ale, hoping the ginger would sooth her throat...still no help. at that point I was rly worried we were gonna have to take her to the ER. I remembered we had just bought this herbal wrap that was microwavable, and that when it got hot it created very moist heat, which is hard to to come by in a therapeutic product. Heating pads just make dry heat which honestly isn't good for much of anything.

Needless to say, bronchial tubes closed up + moist heat = typically good results. I've stuck her int he bathroom in desperate times and blasted straight hot water with a towel under the door to give her a steam bath.(obviously NOT wit her in the tub) I got it hot, laid it pretty much around the side of her face so it was right by her mouth and nose and laid the rest on her chest. She stopped coughing immediately. And stayed quiet for the rest of the night.

This thing also has helped a lot in relieving pain around my ankles, and neck, and knees..basically anywhere I have pain. We picked it up from the Whole Foods Store for $9.99. Sears and Kohl's carry them too, but they're a few bucks more.

If you've EVER had problems breathing or your children have (for those who have them) this thing was a lifesaver. One of the best 10 bucks I've ever spent. And BTW, it smells great too  :biggrin: if you get the chance..pick one'll be rly glad you did  :bateyes:

oh..the brand is Earth Therapeutics, it's kinda hard to read that part :)

General Chat / great keurig deal :D
« on: February 27, 2011, 02:55:58 pm »
they have it in a tea lovers collection, and a coffee lovers collection..I've had mine for over a year now, and I still love it. Since I'm the only one that drinks coffee (decaf now of course) it's perfect, never any coffee poured down the drain  :biggrin: Monkey has one too I know, and he loves his too. plus you can pay it in 3 payments, no interest or anything and you get it NOW :D Plus it's great it comes with 48 -K-cups, and a my K-cup which allows you to use any coffee you want (what I use every day)..If you don't have one and want's an awesome deal  :biggrin:

Stories / The Horizon
« on: February 19, 2011, 02:50:35 pm »
So, I haven't written anything for a rly long time, but my mind has been full of things lately and it seems that I never can get to a place to get them down before I lose them. Without the means to remove all of the random thoughts, it's been eating at me the way it did back when I wrote the poems about L4D. They just won't leave me alone. So this morning I finally was able to grab my laptop and get this down. Some things were lost along the way, and it is all unedited. I am not a rough draft kind of person. It is not so much literal as it is to speak. So no need for  :holyshit: . I hope you like it. I'm thinking about giving it to my Lit teacher to see what she thinks  :nailbitter:

The Horizon

In the beginning there is always that first word, that one that starts things into motion. It is never easy to find and though in thought it flows naturally, it can almost never be reclaimed when the memory is retraced. So where I began I simply do not recall. Only that I could not sleep and found myself sitting up in bed, lost inside of my own thoughts.

            He said he could not sleep in kind to my own like words. I knew better and so I slipped away, out of the room, to collect my composure where he could not hear. When I returned, as I expected, he was away in heavy breath and stillness. I did not attempt to follow him there, but sat instead upon the bed and felt his warm breath on my leg as I began to slip away in thought. I wished to go and so I went, lost in the blurred lines of the bamboo blinds covering the suns attempt to wake the world it shined upon.

            And so I left and drifted away to the shore, feeling the sand beneath my feet. There was no degree of warmth I could settle my mind upon and the sense of the wind blowing through my hair nearly made me wish to feel the real thing: but only so very slightly. I stood there on the place where the tide ebbed and flowed, back and forth hypnotically like the soft slow beat of my heart. I pushed the sun away again, imprisoning it against its will to smile down on me from the bluest of blue skies. I conjured up layer upon layer of clouds to keep it far from reach. The bluest blue sky melted away into grey and the water became cold below my feet and I began to feel at home.

            I stood there for what seemed like forever, staring out at the blurred line of the horizon; the line between the here and there and reality and nothingness. I felt the ground tremble as he stirred beside me in the part where my body was still forced to stay. I saw the small boat with its tattered hull, and went to look upon it. It did not seem to be whole or strong and the wood was worn away and full of holes. I imagined how it must have been when it was built: Beautiful, and sleek, and with purpose and a lust to do what it was created to do. I ran my hands along its rough edges and felt its splinters pierce my skin. I felt its sorrow, as blood trickled down its broken planks: The red the only color in this place I had made. I mourned for its loss of use and stepped inside of it and rested upon its splintered bench. I slipped further into a dream within a dream and began to drift out to sea. I could feel the rise and fall of the ocean. It nearly pulled me back to my bed and that place upon his chest where I could feel the same, where there was warmth and comfort, but the sun was still trying to creep into that space and I withdrew back into my dream for fear it might finally find me.

            I sat there in that wretched boat, with its broken pieces sealed with the red of my blood. As it became stronger, I became weaker, from all of the wounds it had caused me. It drifted further and further out to sea, longingly reaching for the horizon. I could feel it pushing through the waves, fighting against them, straining its very being. I looked upon the surface of the sea and heard it calling me in. I did not want to go, its most certain desire to devour me whole pushed me back even further into the tiny boat. I began to shiver with fear as the hazy line of the horizon began to feel frighteningly close at hand. What would happen when we reached its end? Would the here and there fall away; would I slip between the two and be lost there forever? And as if my fears had seeped into the boat itself, I felt it began to lose its force. When the blurred line began to sharpen, and its dark sharp edges began to open up like ravenous teeth, the current began to turn. My heart raced with the pace of the waves, as they fought the pull of that terrible place; that place where there is no need for clouds to hide away the sun because it does not live there at all. And somewhere I felt a sense of warmth and I cut myself deeper to fortify the boat and make it stronger. I brought the wind and pushed away at the layers of clouds wishing to feel the warmth that somewhere touched a part of my body. I fought and bled and pushed through the coldness that had been pulling me so far away. I could feel the sun fighting as I did, yearning to be purposeful and loved. I could now see the shore as the waves continued to cut at the boat, ripping at it causing it more and more damage the harder it pushed its way to land. To the place in the sand where it was what it was, satisfied with its age and its tragedies. Pleased with all those it had carried along its life when it was new and sturdy. At peace resting in the warmth of the suns comforting and loving embrace. I felt shame for my foolishness, believing in my dream that it could not be happy as it was. Again I fought the clouds, pushing them away layer by layer until I suddenly realized that I was finally still again. The shore laid there before me and I felt such relief for the boat as I pulled it out of the ocean with all of the strength I could find. I set it back upon the place where I had found it, just as the last cloud drifted away and freed the sun. I turned and walked away from the boat, left in its peaceful slip of sand and began to feel my body fill with heat. I felt a pull at my waist and the softest warm breeze on my neck.

            I opened my eyes then, and understood it all. His arm was wrapped around my waist and his sweet face was resting in the nape of my neck. The sun had found its way through the blinds and I knew then, I understood, that I belonged here. I understood that I would have to fight to stay away from that place between here and there, between the beginning and the end: That I didn’t have to bleed or stay in the dark. I had place in this world, where I could be at peace, where I could be proud of my tragedies, and triumphs. Where the sun would never cease to shine and keep me warm in the arms of the man who loved me most.


Birthdays / HAPPY B-DAY Internet Dad <3
« on: February 16, 2011, 10:22:41 am »
Happy Birthday you super awesome wise interesting clever entertaining and NEVER boring young man  :kiss: I wanted this to be all big and super awesome but my brain is crashing. I'll leave that to my ever so boisterous counterpart..I know he'll make a big freaking post for you.

Hope you have an absolutely wonderful birthday with your eternally lovely totally deserve it  :heart:

General Chat / My Favrite Things
« on: January 24, 2011, 01:31:26 pm »
Okay, been wanting to do this for awhile, surprised it hasn't been done yet. I find things, all the time, like rly good deals, amazingly good food, or epic ways to save money that I would love to share with you guys. I know everybody has things like this that they run into, and sharing them with others is a great way to share good stuff. Every time I find something rly cool, I'm gonna post it here, and I hope you all will do the same. I know there are things I can help you guys with, saving money especially, and for me that would be awesome. I don't have a lot of time right now to add everything I wanna add, but just to post something, this is my new very favorite salad. I never would have even tried it, cause I am super picky about salad dressing, but Random had picked it out, and I stole some off of his plate when it was alost gone and I about had a kitten it was so yummy. We drove around for an hour looking for them later that night cause all of the grocery stores had a shortage of salads that week..Go freakin figure  :stinks:

General Chat / Why turning 40 aparently sucks ASS
« on: January 21, 2011, 01:10:02 pm »
So if you can just jump off of a cliff, and make it look like an accident, so your loved ones can enjoy your massive life insurance policy (on the day before your 40th  birthday), I would recommend doing so.

Or just pray every day you don't end up like me..what ever works better for you individually  :bateyes:

Here's why:
The day after I turned 40,(March 29th 2009) as a lot of you might recall, I went on a diet and started exercising like a crazy person. It worked and I lost like 45 lbs by the time I went to Chicago for the clan get together in July. While I was there, I kinda slipped up on my diet and out of nowhere, had this crazy horrible attack of pain in my chest, between my ribcage actually where they come together and right below that. I thought it might have been food poisoning since Flash and I hd just eaten at Olive Garden. I have never felt such terrible pain in my life. Kinda felt like somebody set an anvil on my chest and then sat on it. It was hard to breath, and needless to say, poor Flash nearly had a heart attack thinking i was gonna die. He wanted to take me to the ER but I was too scared being in a different city going to a hospital, so I just tried to get through it hoping it would stop. It felt like it lasted for hours, but I imagine it was more like about a half hour and after throwing up, and laying down, it finally subsided. The rest of the trip was incident free, so I figured it must have been some sort of food poisoning.

I went home, and picked back up on my diet, got my job at Frederick's and started school. The first week of work, I had another attack. This time it was a lot worse. I literally thought I was going to die, but I was home alone, and was too scared to go to the hospital. (I know..super stuped) I had to call into work, and was in pain for hours this time. I sat in the tub for over an hour until the pain finally subsided. Again, I figured I was becoming more sensitive to food or something.

When I went back to Chicago with my daughter Haley for her 18th birthday, in September, I was down another 15 to 20 pounds. All together I had lost 60 pounds or so. I felt amazing was strong and incredibly happy. We had a great time and there was no incidence, although I was so paranoid about screwing up my diet, I didn't eat for the first two days, and wound up almost passing out at Six Flags. Again..ridiculously stuped , but I was in a frame of mind, and I had to be forced out of it. I went back home, my marraige continued to disintegrate, and by the beginning of October, my husband had moved out and I was on my own. All the while, I was going to school full time, and working part time. This was all after being a stay at home mom for 12 years. I suffered from insomnia, and anxiety, and had a car accident in November because I couldn't concentrate on driving because my son was yapping at me in the passenger seat in a construction area with no working lights. It wasn't bad, but it hurt. I didn't go to the hospital.

My right shoulder, which has been torn up repeatedly over my lifetime, was messed up bad and I could barely lift my arm. In November, I was rly depressed because of my separation, and was not looking forward to being alone on Thanksgiving since my ex was taking our kids to his family's for the day. Random and I had talked, and he was helping me a lot with coping with all of my stress (him and Flash and Pinkie and Miss Jet actually), and he decided it would be a great idea to fly down and hang out with my for the holiday so I wouldn't have to be alone. About the most thoughtful, kind thing I could have ever had happen at that time. I was getting progressively more depressed, and stressed from work and school and my divorce and was eating less and less. I ate some while he was visiting, but after he left, I was pretty much living off of coffee. I think being the kind of person I am, it was a way for me to punish myself for having broke up my marriage. I ended it for very legitamate reasons, but I still hurt my ex and our children and it made me feel worse everyday. While Random had visited, we had played football and I had re torn my shoulder out. I couldn't get my tree out of the attic or do much of anything and was feeling extremely helpless, so he came down again to help me get some things done. (and for Beloved Heartless, WE WERE JUST FRIENDS).

Somewhere around Christmas I had another attack, and again ignored it. I started having extreme pain in my neck and my left collar bone area out of nowhere, so bad that I did wind up going to my doctor. He took x-rays and told me it looked like I had a broken collar bone and a possible fracture in my c-spine. I was like  :holyshit: . The attacks in my chest started happening more frequently and on Feb 13th, the day before Valentines Day, I went to work WHILE having an attack. There was NO way I was gonna call into work on the busiest day of the year for us. I worked for 4 hours, until I was no longer able to stand upright and regretfully drove myself straight to the ER. I was certain they were just gonna tell me I had food poisoning, or hell, I don't know what. Just NOT what they DID tell me. Imagine thinking something meh, and having the doctor come in and tell you straight up with no buffer "you can't leave. Your Pancreas and liver enzyme levels are over 3000 and you have severe Pancreatitis. You have to be admitted and your Gallbladder will have to be removed". I'm pretty sure I bruised my chin from it hitting the floor so hard.

So after two days of starving (no food or water-the only way to get rid of the Pancreatitis) they did the surgery on the 16th. I had to stay another tow days after for a total of six. When it was time for me to go home, I was having a hard time breathing. As in breathing hurt. To take a breath was painful, and I could only take shallow breaths. Anything deeper and it felt like a knife ging into my ribcage The Dr. that came in, said it was normal from the surgery, as it was on the side that was operated on. I didn't agree with her, but she gave me this thingy to exercise my lungs and said I was ready to go home.

They gave me pretty strong pain meds, and stuff, and i went home, took a couple, and proceeded to clean my whole house. lol..maybe not so smart. but it didn't seem to do any harm. I still was having trouble breathing, and it just got worse. I got rly scared..again, so I went to see the Dr. that did my surgery. He told me it sounded like I could have a possible blockage or a leak, so he ordered a RADIOACTIVE IODINE TREATMENT. I capitalized that because you need to remember it..forever..I'll tell you why in a few minutes. I went back to the hospital and they injected me with that crap, did the test, and couldn't find anything.He had me admitted anyways and they put me on a freakin morphine drip. That was horrific..I hated it..felt like I was dying every time I pushed the stuped button.

Two more days went by and other than the absolutely gorgeous flowers that Neo and Irenicus sent me it was a waste of time and money. When I left I was doing better and probably never needed to go back at all.

SO after that, my boss cut my hours from 20+ down to 3 a week. She was furious with me for leaving on the 13th, because apparently she had called in sick that day as well.I had no idea. My recovery went slowly, I got way behind in school and it had gotten to the point where I was fearing that I would have to move out of my house because I couldn't afford to stay. I still wasn't rly eating, and was basically freaking out over everything going wrong in my life. So Random and I had been talking all through everything, and when I told him I was gonna have to find a room mate or else I would have to move, he suggested he move down and be my room mate. This was an EPIC win for me, because I don't know ANYBODY here, and having 4 kids, I was terrified of having a stranger around them..and I rly needed a guy around the house to help with the things I just wasn't physically capable of doing anymore.

So in the mean time, he came down in March for Spring break, and we went to Daytona and had a blast. I was still having a lot of pain in my collar bone and neck though. My kids seemed to have finally started to adjust form the divorce, so it seemed like things were getting a little better. and then they weren't. I started having trouble getting out of bed. My feet felt like the bones were broken when I stepped onto the floor in the morning. I started to have pain in my hands, ribcage and knees, along with headaches nearly every single day. On top of that, I started to gain weight. This I found perplexing since I wasn't doing anything rly different. Like a pound every week. I started getting very tired, all day, and my ability to exert myself was going right out the window. I did research online, and it seemed as if I might have had Fibromialgia. Which is why I made the post asking if anybody knew anybody that had it. The pain continued to get worse, and I was having trouble concentrating, I started to forget conversations that I had had, was writing and leaving out letters in words, and my vision changed drastically overnight (literally). By the time I had to take my finals this last December, I couldn't even read the text in my books, with my glasses on. I finally had some very unexpected "girl" problems, that were NOT normal, and had had enough of thinking it was all in my head. I went to see my OB and she ordered some blood tests. The syptoms I had, were very specific, and there was only two possible causes at that time..cancer or polyps. So over the Thanksgiving holiday, I was freaking out, wondering if I had cancer. While I had been in her office, I had told my OB about all the other crap that was going on, and she scolded me a lot, and then told me to get my ass into my regular dr. immediately. I listen to her..she's delivered both my 13 year old son and and my 3 year old son..I made an appointment and went in to my regular dr. So he ordered a ton of tests as well, and I wound up going in for both dr.'d blood tests at the same time. bye bye lots of blood.

Sooooooo..I found out first from her office that it was in fact my thyroid that was jacked up. My tests showed that my thyroid level was at 9.98 and normal is 2.5-4. basically my thyroid is FAIL. my entire body had been out of whack for months. I got back into my reg dr. and as if there wasn't enough wrong with me at that point, my blood pressure was super high that day. So he put me on blood pressure meds and Synthroid, which is the most common and most popular thyroid medication. Also I had to start on antidepressants, ambien to help me sleep, and percocet for the never ending pain I was and still am in. I found out about all of this and started on my meds about a week and a half before Christmas. I didn't make a post, or tell anyone, because there was so much already going on with Abz and Pinkie's dad, and I didn't want to seem like I was trying to divert any attention away from them. The first week on my meds was total hell. Every symptom I had was magnified by what felt like a million. I hurt EVERYWHERE. I was so weak, I could barely walk and my hands hurt so bad I couldn't even open a window. Basically I spent the week before Christmas in bed. That's why I decided t let my kids decorate the house for Christmas, because I couldn't do it. Random was working a lot, and helping out so much with the kids and the house. I honestly don't know how he pulled it off without losing his mind. Strangely, the day before Christmas, I woke up and felt normal. No real bad pain, no confusion, and I felt pretty good. It lasted until the day after Christmas, or for those three days, and I swear I can't doubt that it was a gift from God. Just for Christmas. On Monday after, everything returned, and I went back to feeling terrible.

The doctor said that the Synthroid would help me lose weight, and it would take a few weeks for it to start working. By hen I had gained over 50 pounds and was basically right back where I had started when I was 39. Only completely jacked up. As of a few weeks ago, the results are still grim. The pain is still bad in my hands, and ankles, and my ribs a lot. I still get headaches nearly every day as well. I had to go to a pain clinic day before yesterday and they prescribed more meds. At htis point, I'm up to 8 different meds I have to take every day. I'm also still going to school full time, and taking care of my kids a lot. In fact, my ex is planning to move in with his GF and is giving me primary custody when he gets moved, which means they'll be with my all week and every third weekend. When that happens, I'll have them for 14 days straight. I'm thinking it might just kill me. My meds help with the pain, but they rly fry my brain, which makes studying very hard. It's being stuck between a rock and a hard spot, because the pain is just way too bad to ignore.

I stopped playing games in 2009 not because I wanted to, but because I started having extremely bad anxiety attacks when I was playing. It rly upset me, and I kept trying for awhile, until the last one was so bad I was shaking inside and out from playing l4d. I blamed being busy with school on why I wasn't playing, because I felt kind of awkward about telling everybody I was having anxiety attacks from playing games  :sadface:

I now have to wake up at 5am every morning to take one pill, and again at 7:30 to take another, there are so many things I'm NOT supposed to eat, and it's all so incredibly confusing it makes me wanna scream.I have to take another 2 at 11 at night, and now fit in the rest during the day and walk around like a zombie most of the time. I guess next time I go back to the pain clinic in  couple of weeks, their gonna give me shots in my neck. YAYYYYYYY  :emo:

Oh..and I finally went to the eye dr. yesterday. My vision is totally f'ed up, and I needed bifocals. Shit cost me almost $800 for the appt, contact fitting, 6 pairs of contacts and a pair of glasses. My damn lenses alone were over $300.

SO..yah, for me, turning 40 was the beginning of a complete disaster. Every day is a challenge both physically and mentally. Truth be told, that was why I was so incredibly thrilled to have gotten all A's in school. I was dealing with all of this shit and trying to keep up in my classes at the same time. So the A's were something I had to work my as off for. So far this semester, it has been just hard getting to class and then staying coherent while there. I'm not gonna die, but some days I feel like I am.

If you read all of this..thanks. and honestly..all the support I can get is greatly appreciated. I did tell my dad, but I guess he doesn't care. I haven't heard from him since before Thanksgiving. Basically, some of you are my only family and friends, so I figured it was time to let you know why I'm always whining in the SB. Random, btw, deserves a commendation for everything he's done for me and my kids. He literally saved my ass, and has been there every day running around working and waiting on me hand and foot when I couldn't get out of bed. My kids love him to death, and I know I couldn't have survived all this mess without him here to help me.

I miss playing..I keep wanting to try..but I'm just scared. my hands hurt after writing for 5 minutes, and I have carpel tunnel in both. That's why I had to give up my reg coffee cause it makes the carpal tunnel worse. Anyhow, with hypothyroid, (which is permanent) it will be incredibly hard to lose weight and be active again. From all of the research I've done, it seems hopeless. Which of course just makes me even more bummed out. So if you think your life sucks..think again..just be glad you're not me  :emo:

Stories / Tis the season again...
« on: December 12, 2010, 11:58:00 pm »
Tis the season again
And the time to be weary
When the sky turns all gray
And the world becomes dreary.
Money gets spent
And pockets run dry
And when it’s all said and done
We don’t even know why.
The people we love
Start falling apart
And the joy of the season
Is torn from the heart.
We turn to our God
And ask ourselves why
Our prayers aren’t answered
No matter how hard we cry.
We dwell on the suffering
The sadness and strife
And ponder the meaning
And purpose of life.
And then through the dark
And the pain and the fear
We open our eyes
To see what is dear.
The answers we seek
And the joy that we crave
Are right there before us
If we chose to be brave.
The sun is still there
And the sky is still blue
The bills will get paid
And each day will be new.
Our prayers will be heard
And our loved ones will heal
The answers will come
To explain how we feel.
We’ll remember the love
And the hope and the light
We'll let go of our fears
And all will be right.

May you open your eyes, and see what really matters the most to you this holiday season
and please remember to be kind to everyone, and to thank all the little people in your life that make it a better or easier place to be in.

General Chat / We gots a new kitteh
« on: December 08, 2010, 03:59:59 pm »
....and it wont' stop walking on my laptop keyboard  :fingertap:

He was found in the wheel well of my ex's truck..guess he was riding there or something beloved son called and asked if we could keep it..and of course I couldn't say no..It's a little Russian Blue, about 7 months ridiculously affectionate and we named him Ryu from Street Fighter  :tongue: (and yes I picked the name)

I know I didn't get him from a shelter Kirbzy..but I did rescue his frozen butt and now he sleeps on my that was good right??

General Chat / What would you do???
« on: November 19, 2010, 07:25:59 pm »
So, if you found out you were really sick, like a serious illness, would you keep it to yourself because you wouldn't want people pittying you and being nice just because they felt sorry for you, or would you tell people because if you didn't you would feel like you were lying to everyone??

Just's kind of an old quandary  :bateyes:

General Chat / suggestion for easiest math class?
« on: November 14, 2010, 10:49:42 am »
I suck at math..big time. I have to take two math classes AFTER I finish two more dummy math classes..which of these classes would least likely throw my brain into suicidal mode?? I'm a very logical thinker..but I just don't get math at all  :sadface:

Liberal Arts Math I
Liberal Arts Math II
College Algebra
Elementary Statistics

I'm not even gonna waste my time mentioning the Calc classes or geometry cause I would surely die just thinking about those classes.
Any help would be appreciated..trying to map out the rest of my semesters till I get my AA. :bateyes:

General Chat / Going Inactive
« on: November 11, 2010, 08:43:37 pm »
Can you plz change my status to inactive?


General Chat / need votes for school funding plzzzzzzzzzzz :-)
« on: August 27, 2010, 08:01:10 pm »
so I don't like asking people to do stuff..but if you wouldn't mind, Kohl's is giving away $500,000 to a school and the Junior high my son is going to is rly a great school and it would be very nice if they got it. I'm not gonna hold my breath..but would be rly wonderful. It's the only school in the area with a fully gifted program and I had to get special permission to get him in. I would love for the school to get some extra funding for while he's there  :bateyes:

here's the link and if you go and vote..thanks a million..or well atlewast a half a million  :biggrin:

Kirby said it doesn't take you straight to the it's orange park junior high

So, with all of the bad luck I seem to have, I tend to forget the good things that happen in my life. I went out today because I had to get a new lawnmower. I am now unemployed because my boss was a b**ch and calling in with someone ready to cover my shift when my eye was swollen shut a couple of weeks ago wasn't good enough for her (woops that's bad stuff) so I'm rly pretty broke. We've been very careful this month though so I was rdy though not happy about spending around $150. I went to Walmart and they have mowers that have been returned for whatever reason and the dept. manager checks them out and makes sure they run before he sells them. I found a rly nice self propelled one (I rly needed that cause I'm so damn weak now amd Random is not the greatest lawn mower-sorry I still <3 you though)for $140 and had him look it over. We had a nice conversation, and then I left for awhile so he could work on it. I came back..found him..and he went and grabbed it for me. It was working problems..he filled it with oil for me too. We took it to the register and he had them over ride the price and sold it to me for $75. I almost fell over. I thanked him adamently while he took it out and put it in my car. I rly couldn't believe my luck.
I guess the point to posting this was just that it amazes me how nice people are when you are nice to them. It sounds so simple, but I make it a habbit to be nice to everyone..(not to get stuff free..but because I looove to make people smile) all the time. No matter what kind of mood I'm in. It's never the cashier at the grocery store's fault that your car wouldn't start, or the teller at the bank or even the customer service person you can't understand on the phone because your cable went out. One of the last times I went into Starbucks, I was talking to the girl behind the counter..just yapping and laughing about stupid stuff like always while they made my drink, and before I left she handed me a free drink coupon. I was like what's this for? and she said, just because you were so nice. So next time you go out, SMILE  :biggrin: strike up a conversation, tell someone they look rly nice, or wish them a wonderful day. If the only thing you walk away with is a smile in return and the feeling that you made someones'll still come out all that much better for your kindness..

oh..and I looked up the model lawnmower I retails for $299.00. I was soooooooooo happy  :biggrin:

General Chat / Does anyone have or know anyone with...
« on: July 16, 2010, 11:28:27 am »
Fibromyalgia?? I need to make an appt. for the dr. and was just wondering if anyone had any insight before I was bad enough going in blind to the ER and finding out my pancreas and liver were about to melt (k maybe not quite) and had to have surgery..but I'm about 80% possitive I have this (fibro) and would like to know what kind of tests they do or how it's treated..and if the meds for it have rly horrible side effects..I'm not looking forward to going and finding out I'm falling apart even worse, and maybe if I know a little more what to expect, I might actually get up my nerve and call and make the appt. (before my pain meds run out and I'm dying from all the pain)

Thanks for any info  <3

Birthdays / HAPPY BIRTHDAY RANDOM <3<3<3<3
« on: June 05, 2010, 11:50:12 pm »
and don't worry Flash,
:tongue: :tongue: :tongue: :tongue: hee hee I already gave him his birthday kisses and spankins :tongue: :tongue: :tongue: :tongue:

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY Flash graduated from college today (yes they even let foreigners graduate from college  :bateyes: Now he will have so much more time to play MW2  :superlol: or will he :hmmchin: Anyhow..errybody geeve heem some <3

You're awesome...btw..I can only hope I rawk college half as well as you have. Wish I could have been there to give you a HUGE  :hug: and  :kiss: ..congratulations!!!! :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party:

General Chat / The stupedest thing you've said to someone
« on: April 23, 2010, 04:14:19 pm »
I'm bored..Random said something rly stupid to me..annoying actually and if I was actually stupid I would have been very insulted..I haven't said anything this stupid to anyone lately..but I thought I would share what he you all can tell him how dense he is  :biggrin:

Random said "are you gonna put your glasses on? cause they make you look way smarter than you rly are". and no, I'm not kidding :fingertap:

plz..if you've said something you wanted to slap yourself for, share..or if someone else said something rly dumb..share some more..I need some entertainment.. :biggrin:

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